A whirlpool of emotions pulls me under yet again. I’m left fighting for every single damn breath. Drowning in my own pain. Suffocating in my secret world of suffering and anguish. A huge lump sits in my throat and my chest tightens by the second. My hands wring in worry and I clench my already aching jaw. I wish I was anywhere right now, except here. Ground, open up and swallow me. Sleep, come and claim me for ever…anything to take away this constant torture of fear, anxiety and depression.
And that’s what a casual visit to the play park does to me.
Sitting watching my kids enjoy the freedom of carefree interactions, I cower, imprisoned in my mind and body as I have to answer the innocent questions of a chatty mum. I wonder why I bothered trying to get out of the house. Why I’m putting myself through this again.
And as I write this I realise that I did it for my kids because they needed to play. Perhaps love IS stronger than the demons that grip me. Perhaps there is hope that one day I will experience peace and joy. It seems such an impossibility right now. But maybe, just maybe.
Is this how you feel when you attempt simple tasks? Does the power of love conquer everything? I hope so.