Too scared to reach out..

Thoughts from a friend, desperate to reach out but too scared…. 

 ‘Another encounter, a friend stops by, 

I change from my jammies and try not to cry, 

I put on my lip gloss, along with a smile, 

I play perfect hostess as she stays for a while. 

We talk about good times, my chest feels so tight, 

I long to be honest, but I can’t, not tonight. 

We chat over coffee, she can’t see my pain, 

I’m so used to hiding and playing this game. 

I’m drowning in sadness, I don’t let it show, 

Anxiety grips me but she doesn’t know. 

We hug as she’s leaving, my heart breaks some more, 

Alone in depression as I close the door.’


Happy New Year?

A message from a friend reminds me that not everyone is experiencing a Happy New Year. Spare a thought for those suffering and for all those being brave. 

Here is how she feels….

‘In case you don’t feel like a Happy New Year, know you’re not alone and that I am here. 

For me a new digit just brings me distress,

To know another year of anxiety and mess,

Another month to mark the memorable time,

when I feel like I lost all that is mine.

When my depression made itself so comfy at home,

And surrounded by people I am constantly alone. 

When the struggle continues, another year looms, 

To limp through, to stumble, to open new wounds.  

The hope of New Year means nothing to me, the promise of peace is only a dream. 

And so goodbye old year, to you I do wave, here’s to another year of #beingbrave ‘


25 Days of Beauty Wonder. Advent Calendar Day 24

Ready for the big day?!  

Face cleansed, serum smoothed on and new moisturiser applied. (Thank you Advent Calendar Day 24!).   I use No 7’s night cream and I love its fragrance, texture and the way it slowly sinks in.  Whether it makes me younger and fresher looking is for my hubby to judge! 

Preparation for tomorrow is everything isn’t it!  


Clean jammies on, bed sheets changed and Santa food left out.  Dinner schedule planned and presents nearly all wrapped.  Table set, big bird in the fridge, awaiting to be the centrepiece of the feast of the year.  Months of preparation and the big man in the red suit can finally make an appearance!  It’s a bit like preparing to give birth…and it’s over in hours!  

I wonder how Mary prepared for her big day?  Did the Innkeeper throw her a ‘surprise’ baby shower with pink and blue bales of hay?   Did the stable’s manger and beams have matching bows and buttons?  Was she concerned about that or did she simply long for the safe delivery of the baby boy who would soon deliver her?   

Can we simplify Christmas?  Make it really matter again?

Forget who’s tree is the nicest. Who spent the most. Who got the most. Who’s house is the cleanest. 

How about who needs Jesus the most??!!  I do!  I definitely do. 


And I know other families who don’t need gifts from under the tree……they need the Father’s gift of Jesus. 

A family who lost a mum this year.  A mum with depression, anxiety and battling an eating disorder.  A husband struggling to carry the excess load because his wife is ill. 

Freedom from your struggles and illnesses, self imposed rules and perfectionism is a process that happens INSIDE a relationship with Father.  Enter into the relationship you were created to have.  A relationship that changes you and frees you to love without agenda.  That’s #alliwantforchristmas  


Enjoy your big day, I hope your heart is prepared, as well as your skin.  


25 Days of Beauty Wonder.  Advent Calendar Day 23

Beautiful skin eye make up remover was a welcome sight for sore eyes this morning.  If you don’t use a good product on your delicate lashes then you can end up pulling them out every night in a careless attempt to cleanse them!  My current eye make remover is decidedly pricey but it’s the only product that works for me. It swiftly sweeps away Estee Lauder’s Doublewear eyeliner and Benefit’s ‘They’re Real’ Mascara.  And No7’s treat this morning came close, but alas fell at the last hurdle. 

The eyeliner disappeared without a trace but I feared for my lashes fate as I tried to cleanse them unsuccessfully.  I won’t be making this a makeup bag staple, as long as I’m wearing Beneifts mascara anyway. 

#disappointed but I’m glad I had the opportunity to try it! 


The one thing these two products have in common is their layering.  To use them effectively they need a good shake, bringing oil and water liquids together.   Only then can their soothing effectiveness come into its own.  

For me I’ve realised that healing comes in layers too.  At times I’ve experienced a gentle peace and a subsiding of pain…only for the wound to be ripped open again!  How devastating when you think you’ve been healed, when you’re sure you’ve forgiven, when you’ve acknowledged abuse and ‘moved on’ but in reality there is a deeper wound, under the superficial layers, that need an outpouring of Father’s love and healing honey. 


Physically your body goes into this amazing flurry of activity when hurt; making new cells, antibodies and growing fresh pink skin but when it’s emotional hurts there’s nothing you can ‘do’!  Frustration can almost blind you.  The need to control does just that and perhaps manifests as an eating disorder or self harming.  

BUT if you can just rest in him, if you can allow yourself to be guided, if you can stop wanting to do everything your way then maybe you’ll see that his way is the path that leads you beside blissful brooks.  And if you can’t stop your need to fix yourself then at least just pray ‘Father enable me to be willing to be healed. By you’. 

With every prayer, every baby step of being willing, Father grows new cells, building layers of his love that will lead you to paths of righteousness.  Maybe that seems so far away right now but through the pain call out to him.  He is the only true healer. 

Father Take me a little deeper in the healing process. 

25 Days of Beauty Wonder. Advent Calendar Day 22

I thought I knew how to do smokey eyes….until I used this nifty little brush under door 22!   


What a difference it made to technique and results!  I’ve been stuck in a rut using an ordinary eyeshadow brush but it’s all change from today.  Tools really do make a difference.  If you’re asking Santa for anything, trust me, my top item has just changed from Baileys to brushes!  


Without the right brush smokey eyes are smudges, blushed cheeks are blotches and hot lips are horlicks!!

And without Father God I’m hopeless. 

There are times when you’re going through storms and your eyes are on other people to pull you through and rescue you. But despite the life buoys there really is only one saviour, one anchor, one rescuer.  

It’s important to remember the words of your father.  Proverbs 13:12 ‘Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.’  Hope for the wonderful things he has planned for you. Believe for the healing of your heart. Refuse to allow hope to be stolen and replaced with depression.  Your good father has so much for you. 


Open my ‘smokey’ eyes father. Show me how you love me.  Only you will do. 



25 Days of Beauty Wonder. Advent Calendar Day 21

Luxurious volume from root to tip. 


That’s a weighty promise and one that will have to wait to be fulfilled!!  Behind door 21 lay a full sized mascara, ‘Extravagant Volume, waterproof’.  But I’m not going to open it!!  I’m not even tempted.  It would be wasteful as I have a mascara open already and once opened it needs to be used up within 6 months.   I don’t know how it will possibly compete with my current product!  I’m loving Benefit’s ‘They’re Real’.  If you haven’t tried it, TREAT yourself, you won’t be disappointed! 

Christmas is four sleeps away and as I place the mascara in my Christmas tree to be photographed I am filled with a sense of pleasure and horror all at once.  I love my tree decorations.  Each ornament is glass, sparkly, silver and beautiful.  BUT my youngest child was playing too near it this afternoon and the whole thing came tumbling down. Now, it is a mess. Tinsel awry, lights loosely hanging, baubles in a pool on the floor and a missing star.  Nothing where it ‘should’ be…according to me!  I was going out tonight to meet a friend and I suggested to my family that they might want to fix the tree up a little whilst I was gone.  My suggestion was met with blank looks. ‘Nothing much wrong with it’ apparently.  I find this incredibly hard to digest.  And yet as much as it annoys me it reminds me of an amazing part of the story ‘The Shack’.  


The main character Mackenzie toils for hours in a garden with lovely Sarayu. They dig, snip, shovel, untangle and clear and when they finish it seems to Mac like there is so much more to be done.  He stands back and declares that although beautiful, the garden really is a mess. Sarayu explains that the garden is his soul and while they have been working relentlessly with each other, there has been a wondreful purpose. His soul is a wild chaos in colour. Confusing, stunning and incredibly beautiful is Mac’s heart. And mine.  And yours too! 

‘To you it seems a mess, but to me, I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and alive-a living fractal’

My once beautiful tree, with no7 mascara in it, is without doubt a mess but instead of allowing my inherited OCD tendencies to rise up, I choose now to see it as a picture of how father sees me…….an incredibly, delightful, chaotic fractal that he loves to spend time in.  Wild, growing and alive.  Thank god I’m alive!

I go to bed now knowing that I am a mess, but a beautiful one.    


25 Days of Beauty Wonder. Advent Calendar Day 20


Gold eyelash curlers?!
Wow, No7 really surpassed themselves this morning!
There’s no doubt about it, these bad boys WORK, giving instant product gratification! After using them, my lashes were beautifully curved, appearing lengthened and opening up the eyes.  Mascara was swiftly applied and the fate of the lashes sealed! The shape held throughout the day and I was impressed with No7 once again! I’d forgotten how effective eyelash curlers were and years ago had tossed them aside; but now, these gold tools lie snugly in my daily make up bag!  

The statement on today’s advent door is ‘Ready, Set, Curl‘ and whilst I did that very successfully I couldn’t help thinking about the times I have just wanted to ‘Curl up and die’, maybe because of a deep discouragement or hurt.  Anyone who hasn’t experienced discouragement isn’t human!  At times we can feel like this because we are worn out or struggling with an illness. Sometimes it’s because we are too idealistic and we have expectations that can’t be met.  

Often we plunge ourselves into activities that we think will bring us fulfilment: sports, careers, drugs, adultery are some traps we fall into. Painfully these only compound our discouragement and depression.  


Psalm 23 (Passion Translation) never fails to lift me from discouragement. 

‘¹God is my Fierce Protector and my Pastor. I always have more than enough. ²He offers a resting place for me in His luxurious love.  His tracks take me to the quiet brooks of bliss, the oasis of peace.  ³That’s where He restores and revives my life.’

Read the rest here.  

In my discouragement father offers me a resting place in his luxurious love. He promises bliss and peace.

As I meditate on his precious life giving words my discouragement begins to melt. He loves me and he revives my life. Renewed, I declare I don’t want to curl up and die…I want to live. Loved.