Choose Life

How many times can a heart be broken? 

How many pieces can it be shattered into? 

Even when you mend it with liquid gold it still feels bruised, heavy and blue. 

How many mountains are ahead on the pathway? 

How many valleys loom large and deep? 

Even though you carry my tired, weary body I can’t help but helplessly weep. 

Questions, they plague me. 

Answers elude me. 

Blame tries to find me. 

Guilt sets upon me.  

Love has abandoned me. 

Hope hides its face. 

Trust drowned with dreams in that nightmarish place. 

BUT.  

There has to be a but. 

But God. Father. Daddy. Papa. Abba. 

Your barely audible name slips from my mouth and dares to bring life. I have no choice but to die….or choose life. Enable me to choose Hope. Love. Peace. Calm. Rest. Enable me to choose to do life. With you. Daddy. 

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We’re all nuts!

I actually felt sad when I saw these discounted nuts on the shelves of my local store!  

Holland and Barrett may devalue their broken nuts but the truth is those bashed almonds and cashews make just a rich a butter as their ‘seemingly perfect’ counterparts and I buy them in a heartbeat, knowing just that! Those nuts make an amazing cake, mouth melting nutty nuggets and as they’re already broken that’s half the job done. Result!  

 

I think we can all identify with those nuts! We’ve all experienced being discounted. People in our lives thoughtlessly throw us to the side when we are what they deem to be ‘less than perfect’.  

Not the ideal size or shape? Below ‘average’ intellectual ability? Not suited to the job?  

Whose standards do we measure ourselves against anyway? Holland and Barretts? Or maybe Willy Wonka’s?!  If we aren’t a good nut in the eyes of the discerning squirrels then we must be bad.   And therefore discarded.  

 

Discounted.  And sold off cheaply.   

Alas, those of us who believe that we are broken and bashed, live out of that place.  We allow our self esteem to be dictated by the squirrels of this world.  We feel cheap. Worthless. Used. 

 

Plenty of judgemental squirrels run riot in my head on a daily basis but what IF I chose to listen to my Papa. What does he say about my brokenness?  

Psalm 51 says he doesn’t despise a broken heart, he is in fact close to it. (Psalm 34)  

 

My brokenness isn’t repelling to him…it is appealing.  His finished work on the cross makes my brokenness exquisite.   

My ashes beautiful. (Isaiah 61)  My life priceless.  I have within me the sweet smelling fragrance that came out of the broken alabaster jar in Mark 14. Wow!

 
 

My brokenness is beautiful.  And so is yours. 

Holland and Barrett have got it all wrong. They should be charging more for their ‘broken’ priceless, beautiful nuts.  

  

Depression sucks

I know someone who feels like this…..

  
I’m sorry I didn’t answer the phone. 

I was here in the empty house, all alone. 

Keeping myself well away from my friends,

writing long texts but not pressing send. 

Listening still, to the negative voice,

too weak to make yet another choice. 

‘Everyone thinks you’re a tiresome bore,

Keeping in touch, such a thankless chore. 

No one likes you and Nobody cares,

No one wants you anywhere.’ 

So I won’t go out, but I hate to stay in,

I need to be known, but I won’t let you in,

I want to be nice but it’s too hard to try, 

I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die. 

Depression I hate you, anxiety too. 

Endlessly stuck in the world of confused. 

The world stopped spinning…

The world stopped spinning today! It really, actually did.
My world. I was sitting amidst the pandemonium that is ‘after school home works, snacks and chats’ and all of a sudden everything around me seemed quieter and dulled and the words of a song pierced my soul. I’d never ‘heard’ this song before yet I’ve listened to it a hundred times. Father God spoke to me. 

Clearly. 

Succinctly. 

I heard his voice through the words of the song and I immediately penned a response. 

I couldn’t tell you now what song it was and perhaps I’ll never know for it was my unique moment in time when my daddy stopped the world from spinning just for me. Just to tell me, that he is loving me. 

Right now. 

Here. 

In the chaos, in the mystery, in life. 


In this moment the chaos ceases,

My world stops and I go to pieces.

Your voice burns into my heart, 

as you tell me it’s ok to fall apart.

My baby steps are gigantic leaps,

leading into your unending peace. 

You pause my day,  just to tell me

that we’re in love, so deeply.

The creator of life serenades me,

a love song so melodic and sweet,

so strong and piercing I cannot deny

It reaches deep inside my sighs. 

The moment passes, I move on

but the words you spoke are never gone. 



Zephaniah 3:17

For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a mighty saviour.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

 With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

  

Unworthy Princess

When thoughts of unworthy came to mind, you whisper, ‘Princess you are mine’, 

When the weight is heavy in my chest, you invite me to stroll by brooks of rest, 

You remind me you’ve counted all of my days,  yet I’ve learnt to exist in a foggy haze, 

Your arms embrace me, holding me near but I need to let go of the friend called fear. 

When I’m calling your name from the depths of my pain, You answer my cry again and again, 

When I’m overwhelmed by life’s busy call, I’m reminded you’re my all in all. 

You walk beside me, and behind, Offering release from the chains that bind, 

You hold my hand, as I struggle to cope, Reminding me gently that you are my hope.  

 

Too scared to reach out..

Thoughts from a friend, desperate to reach out but too scared…. 

 ‘Another encounter, a friend stops by, 

I change from my jammies and try not to cry, 

I put on my lip gloss, along with a smile, 

I play perfect hostess as she stays for a while. 

We talk about good times, my chest feels so tight, 

I long to be honest, but I can’t, not tonight. 

We chat over coffee, she can’t see my pain, 

I’m so used to hiding and playing this game. 

I’m drowning in sadness, I don’t let it show, 

Anxiety grips me but she doesn’t know. 

We hug as she’s leaving, my heart breaks some more, 

Alone in depression as I close the door.’

Happy New Year?

A message from a friend reminds me that not everyone is experiencing a Happy New Year. Spare a thought for those suffering and for all those being brave. 
 

Here is how she feels….

‘In case you don’t feel like a Happy New Year, know you’re not alone and that I am here. 

For me a new digit just brings me distress,

To know another year of anxiety and mess,

Another month to mark the memorable time,

when I feel like I lost all that is mine.

When my depression made itself so comfy at home,

And surrounded by people I am constantly alone. 

When the struggle continues, another year looms, 

To limp through, to stumble, to open new wounds.  

The hope of New Year means nothing to me, the promise of peace is only a dream. 

And so goodbye old year, to you I do wave, here’s to another year of #beingbrave ‘