Holding on to me

It was another one of those days.  Relentless stress hammered me from every corner of my life.  My chest felt so tight, my breath so short.  My hands shook uncontrollably and thoughts raced through my mind at a million miles an hour.  What if? Why? When? How? I can’t cope any more.  Not one second can I stand this pressure!  The overwhelming fear and anxiety crippled me.  Again.

I collapsed onto my bed, sobbing, lying on my back and listening to a song that had just come on my ipod.

Pieces.

I felt like my life was in Pieces but this song spoke something different to me.  As I listened, as I lay there in tears, I heard reassuring words telling me how Papa God loves….

‘Your love’s not fractured
It’s not a troubled mind
It isn’t anxious
It’s not the restless kind
Your love’s not passive
It’s never disengaged
It’s always present
It hangs on every word we say
Love keeps its promises
It keep its word
It honors what’s sacred
‘Cause its vows are good
Your love’s not broken
It’s not insecure
Your love’s not selfish
Your love is pure

I meditated.
I repeated those words to my heart and I started to believe that Papa could love me the way He was telling me.

Suddenly, as my painful world continued to spin, I saw a moving picture form in my mind.  I saw myself as Papa’s child being held tightly by his two hands as he spun me around and around lifting me off the ground. I squealed almost in fear but he spoke to me firmly and lovingly saying, ‘Just look into my eyes.  I hold your hands.  Focus on me, look at my face.  Don’t look at the world that spins chaotically around you now.  Just keep looking in my eyes of love.  It’s not your responsibility to strive to hold onto me because I hold YOU.  All you have to do is keep your eyes locked in mine and trust me.  Know that I am loving you right now.  In the middle of your storm, I am strong, reliable and you are secure in my love for you’.

It was only a few minutes of snatched time that I had in my bedroom for it was rudely interrupted by shouts of fighting downstairs.  BUT that precious, moment, that real and life changing encounter with Daddy God impressed on me that He is ALWAYS talking to us.  We just need to stop and listen.

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Choose Life

How many times can a heart be broken? 

How many pieces can it be shattered into? 

Even when you mend it with liquid gold it still feels bruised, heavy and blue. 

How many mountains are ahead on the pathway? 

How many valleys loom large and deep? 

Even though you carry my tired, weary body I can’t help but helplessly weep. 

Questions, they plague me. 

Answers elude me. 

Blame tries to find me. 

Guilt sets upon me.  

Love has abandoned me. 

Hope hides its face. 

Trust drowned with dreams in that nightmarish place. 

BUT.  

There has to be a but. 

But God. Father. Daddy. Papa. Abba. 

Your barely audible name slips from my mouth and dares to bring life. I have no choice but to die….or choose life. Enable me to choose Hope. Love. Peace. Calm. Rest. Enable me to choose to do life. With you. Daddy. 

Depression sucks

I know someone who feels like this…..

  
I’m sorry I didn’t answer the phone. 

I was here in the empty house, all alone. 

Keeping myself well away from my friends,

writing long texts but not pressing send. 

Listening still, to the negative voice,

too weak to make yet another choice. 

‘Everyone thinks you’re a tiresome bore,

Keeping in touch, such a thankless chore. 

No one likes you and Nobody cares,

No one wants you anywhere.’ 

So I won’t go out, but I hate to stay in,

I need to be known, but I won’t let you in,

I want to be nice but it’s too hard to try, 

I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die. 

Depression I hate you, anxiety too. 

Endlessly stuck in the world of confused. 

The world stopped spinning…

The world stopped spinning today! It really, actually did.
My world. I was sitting amidst the pandemonium that is ‘after school home works, snacks and chats’ and all of a sudden everything around me seemed quieter and dulled and the words of a song pierced my soul. I’d never ‘heard’ this song before yet I’ve listened to it a hundred times. Father God spoke to me. 

Clearly. 

Succinctly. 

I heard his voice through the words of the song and I immediately penned a response. 

I couldn’t tell you now what song it was and perhaps I’ll never know for it was my unique moment in time when my daddy stopped the world from spinning just for me. Just to tell me, that he is loving me. 

Right now. 

Here. 

In the chaos, in the mystery, in life. 


In this moment the chaos ceases,

My world stops and I go to pieces.

Your voice burns into my heart, 

as you tell me it’s ok to fall apart.

My baby steps are gigantic leaps,

leading into your unending peace. 

You pause my day,  just to tell me

that we’re in love, so deeply.

The creator of life serenades me,

a love song so melodic and sweet,

so strong and piercing I cannot deny

It reaches deep inside my sighs. 

The moment passes, I move on

but the words you spoke are never gone. 



Zephaniah 3:17

For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a mighty saviour.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

 With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

  

Unworthy Princess

When thoughts of unworthy came to mind, you whisper, ‘Princess you are mine’, 

When the weight is heavy in my chest, you invite me to stroll by brooks of rest, 

You remind me you’ve counted all of my days,  yet I’ve learnt to exist in a foggy haze, 

Your arms embrace me, holding me near but I need to let go of the friend called fear. 

When I’m calling your name from the depths of my pain, You answer my cry again and again, 

When I’m overwhelmed by life’s busy call, I’m reminded you’re my all in all. 

You walk beside me, and behind, Offering release from the chains that bind, 

You hold my hand, as I struggle to cope, Reminding me gently that you are my hope.  

 

Too scared to reach out..

Thoughts from a friend, desperate to reach out but too scared…. 

 ‘Another encounter, a friend stops by, 

I change from my jammies and try not to cry, 

I put on my lip gloss, along with a smile, 

I play perfect hostess as she stays for a while. 

We talk about good times, my chest feels so tight, 

I long to be honest, but I can’t, not tonight. 

We chat over coffee, she can’t see my pain, 

I’m so used to hiding and playing this game. 

I’m drowning in sadness, I don’t let it show, 

Anxiety grips me but she doesn’t know. 

We hug as she’s leaving, my heart breaks some more, 

Alone in depression as I close the door.’

Happy New Year?

A message from a friend reminds me that not everyone is experiencing a Happy New Year. Spare a thought for those suffering and for all those being brave. 
 

Here is how she feels….

‘In case you don’t feel like a Happy New Year, know you’re not alone and that I am here. 

For me a new digit just brings me distress,

To know another year of anxiety and mess,

Another month to mark the memorable time,

when I feel like I lost all that is mine.

When my depression made itself so comfy at home,

And surrounded by people I am constantly alone. 

When the struggle continues, another year looms, 

To limp through, to stumble, to open new wounds.  

The hope of New Year means nothing to me, the promise of peace is only a dream. 

And so goodbye old year, to you I do wave, here’s to another year of #beingbrave ‘