Holding on to me

It was another one of those days.  Relentless stress hammered me from every corner of my life.  My chest felt so tight, my breath so short.  My hands shook uncontrollably and thoughts raced through my mind at a million miles an hour.  What if? Why? When? How? I can’t cope any more.  Not one second can I stand this pressure!  The overwhelming fear and anxiety crippled me.  Again.

I collapsed onto my bed, sobbing, lying on my back and listening to a song that had just come on my ipod.

Pieces.

I felt like my life was in Pieces but this song spoke something different to me.  As I listened, as I lay there in tears, I heard reassuring words telling me how Papa God loves….

‘Your love’s not fractured
It’s not a troubled mind
It isn’t anxious
It’s not the restless kind
Your love’s not passive
It’s never disengaged
It’s always present
It hangs on every word we say
Love keeps its promises
It keep its word
It honors what’s sacred
‘Cause its vows are good
Your love’s not broken
It’s not insecure
Your love’s not selfish
Your love is pure

I meditated.
I repeated those words to my heart and I started to believe that Papa could love me the way He was telling me.

Suddenly, as my painful world continued to spin, I saw a moving picture form in my mind.  I saw myself as Papa’s child being held tightly by his two hands as he spun me around and around lifting me off the ground. I squealed almost in fear but he spoke to me firmly and lovingly saying, ‘Just look into my eyes.  I hold your hands.  Focus on me, look at my face.  Don’t look at the world that spins chaotically around you now.  Just keep looking in my eyes of love.  It’s not your responsibility to strive to hold onto me because I hold YOU.  All you have to do is keep your eyes locked in mine and trust me.  Know that I am loving you right now.  In the middle of your storm, I am strong, reliable and you are secure in my love for you’.

It was only a few minutes of snatched time that I had in my bedroom for it was rudely interrupted by shouts of fighting downstairs.  BUT that precious, moment, that real and life changing encounter with Daddy God impressed on me that He is ALWAYS talking to us.  We just need to stop and listen.

Advertisements

We’re all nuts!

I actually felt sad when I saw these discounted nuts on the shelves of my local store!  

Holland and Barrett may devalue their broken nuts but the truth is those bashed almonds and cashews make just a rich a butter as their ‘seemingly perfect’ counterparts and I buy them in a heartbeat, knowing just that! Those nuts make an amazing cake, mouth melting nutty nuggets and as they’re already broken that’s half the job done. Result!  

 

I think we can all identify with those nuts! We’ve all experienced being discounted. People in our lives thoughtlessly throw us to the side when we are what they deem to be ‘less than perfect’.  

Not the ideal size or shape? Below ‘average’ intellectual ability? Not suited to the job?  

Whose standards do we measure ourselves against anyway? Holland and Barretts? Or maybe Willy Wonka’s?!  If we aren’t a good nut in the eyes of the discerning squirrels then we must be bad.   And therefore discarded.  

 

Discounted.  And sold off cheaply.   

Alas, those of us who believe that we are broken and bashed, live out of that place.  We allow our self esteem to be dictated by the squirrels of this world.  We feel cheap. Worthless. Used. 

 

Plenty of judgemental squirrels run riot in my head on a daily basis but what IF I chose to listen to my Papa. What does he say about my brokenness?  

Psalm 51 says he doesn’t despise a broken heart, he is in fact close to it. (Psalm 34)  

 

My brokenness isn’t repelling to him…it is appealing.  His finished work on the cross makes my brokenness exquisite.   

My ashes beautiful. (Isaiah 61)  My life priceless.  I have within me the sweet smelling fragrance that came out of the broken alabaster jar in Mark 14. Wow!

 
 

My brokenness is beautiful.  And so is yours. 

Holland and Barrett have got it all wrong. They should be charging more for their ‘broken’ priceless, beautiful nuts.  

  

Too scared to reach out..

Thoughts from a friend, desperate to reach out but too scared…. 

 ‘Another encounter, a friend stops by, 

I change from my jammies and try not to cry, 

I put on my lip gloss, along with a smile, 

I play perfect hostess as she stays for a while. 

We talk about good times, my chest feels so tight, 

I long to be honest, but I can’t, not tonight. 

We chat over coffee, she can’t see my pain, 

I’m so used to hiding and playing this game. 

I’m drowning in sadness, I don’t let it show, 

Anxiety grips me but she doesn’t know. 

We hug as she’s leaving, my heart breaks some more, 

Alone in depression as I close the door.’